Too scared to fall again…
How can you change it?
You made some sincere efforts for someone you madly loved, who didn't appreciate it and let go. You got hurt real bad and felt like all your efforts were such a waste. You hurt because you wouldn't have done the same for anyone else. Or so you think at least.
Now as life goes on, someday you let someone into your life. They make the same sincere efforts for you. They are only trying to help you heal. But you start to get smothered. It’s too much to handle and you now begin to get irritated with every act of love they show you. You now understand why your ex felt that way when you smothered them with your love. You begin to realize that you have been too intense to handle and scared them away.
And now, you yourself, who wasn’t ever afraid of too much love; you, who carried your heart on your sleeve, get too scared to handle this new love and efforts. You shy away, break free and fly. And you end up hurting them.
The irony of life!
The same way you got hurt, now you are the reason for someone’s hurt, that someone who carried you in your tough time, that someone who really cared for you and tried to be there when nothing made sense to you in this damn hard life.
Who's at fault here? The one you now hurt for caring so much about you or You, for getting scared of loving again?
How is it even fair that you punish this new person because of the demons from your past?
This is human nature.
The last time you opened your heart to someone and they broke it. It still hurts because you can still remember them, the words they spoke, the way their lips moved when they talked, the way their smile made your day brighter, the way they made you feel when they touched you. When you smell their perfume on someone, your mind quickly makes the association and transports you to the world where they were yours.
Why can you not live in the present when you say you want to?
Why don't you feel guilty about hurting the new person who so truly loved and cared for you?
Why do you start feeling bad for your ex now, when you should be worried about the one you now hurt?
How can human perception change so drastically without us even realizing at all?
And I guess this is what they mean when they say life is unfair! It’s because we make it so!
Its too bad we can’t get out of the rut. Too bad we fail to identify the right one. Too bad we put in all our efforts for the one who finally decides we aren’t worth it and let’s loose. Too bad we don’t appreciate the ones we should!!
You and me, we’ve all done it one time or another, to one or more people. Sometimes even had it done to us. We give someone so much importance, treat them much more than our life’s worth and when they leave, they leave us behind all broken. With them they take away our smile.
Yes, I know it hurts! Yes, real bad!! But, until when do you want to let your past mistakes control the outcome of your future? Until when do you plan to keep moping about the ‘same old love’? Until when do you want to sit alone weeping in the darkness of the night craving for their sight? Until when are you going to be cautious all the time and keep shielding your heart?
The question here is, are you ready to get out of the dark pit? Do you really want to make sincere efforts for your own good? Or do you want to keep lying to people’s faces with a ‘I’m fine’ when you’re not. Do you or do you not want back your own peace of mind???
I’m guessing the answer is ‘Yes’. So, just take the damn leap of faith. The only way to heal a broken heart is to love again. You don’t necessarily have to love another person to heal. Love yourself instead! Until you love yourself enough, nobody is ever going to be good enough for you. Nobody’s presence in your life is going to fill that ‘void’.
Resolve that whatever decisions you make henceforth will be to make your life more beautiful and adventurous. Start saying ‘Yes’ to friends and new experiences instead of spending your time alone. Start investing time in your hobbies, in the people that you love, with the ones that make you happy, in the experiences that enrich your life, in the things that you always wanted to try but were never able to do or find the time for. Your time is now and the best is yet to come! And trust me, the best thing about life is that it’s never too late!!
Don’t procrastinate. Stop putting things on hold. Go take that vacation you always wanted. Go join the dance class you were so fascinated by and start waltzing around. Go learn to play that instrument you always dreamed of playing. Go on that camping trip and watch the stars in the night. Go on the solo trip that allures but scares the hell out of you. Start doing things that you know would make you happy.
Most importantly, Forgive yourself for trusting the wrong person. Forgive yourself for all the things you did in the past, for all the ‘pathetic’ decisions you made, for all that makes you regret everything you did and knew. Always remember, at that time in your life, that was the thing that made sense to you. It was ‘your’ decision and you did it, because you thought it was your best move. Never be ashamed of your own actions. Never be sorry for yourself. Learn to own your past, with and without all its mistakes and follies. For whatever its worth, that’s an experience for you now! It holds a lot more value than you can even imagine!!
Lastly, do not shy away from love. Humans as a species are best at loving! Love and compassion comes naturally to us. Just because you had an experience or more that was unfavorable or heart wrenching doesn’t mean you stop living your life. Doesn’t necessarily have to mean that you decide to stay alone all your life. Stop being scared of what could go wrong and start being excited about what could go right! Open your heart to new people, new experiences and live your dreams. You might get hurt again, but this time it will definitely pain less! And, you will at least have had some fun till it lasts. Until finally one day, you will meet the one for you and make your fairy tale dream come true!